Category: Welcomeis early days

the house, the fear and the early posts that created the background.

Fear's descent

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I brought in the plate of small crescents -with all kinds of stuffings. There were some of our favorites and they seem to appear on the hall table every afternoon. I bit into a sweet nutty cream one. Marie choose the biggest round biscuit on the plate, as usual. I crossed my legs and sank back into my chair. Marie was sitting at her table, still notating something? I started again, telling her about the night drama.
” I felt like I was out of depths, like there was a first act that I had no inkling about and yet it was confusing. Everyone got scared and there was a shivering , like deep, deep fear that was in everyone. from the moment when the senior scholar talked.” I sipped my hot, citrus, mint tea and wiped corners of my mouth, where the crumbs were dropping on my pants.
” Nothing had changed – the lights were the same, although everything seem dimmer. The air smelled the same -that cool, antiseptic inside smell . Only? Now – there was a fear, coming in, a fear tangible, poking at different places, different members,” ‘ fear descending. There was a fear, not knowing when, where or how Fear’s object would suddenly land. It’s a kind of waiting, a not knowing, not understanding, helpless like boxing a shadow that just moves on its own. ‘ I thought as I chewed the melted cheese in one of the biscuits.
Marie pulled out her case from the pocket of the Desk pad . She began flipping pages and frowning . ” There was Pink stating her complaints and Ginger standing looking at her, but also at the others seated behind her. They were watching the senior gentlemen whom were gesturing and conversing so that nobody could hear.” I tried to describe again. “The whole campus is stocking up for what I wasn’t sure. For how long, the guesses were all across the range. ” I frowned as the cat strolled to the crack in the door. ‘ Should I stop her?’ I thought.
“We were all waiting, only the guys who were the closest to the Black gentleman were rubbing the shoulders of the people in front of them. They had a blank, non-emotional expression but their bodies were straight and stern like they were working at not showing their fear.” Their concern for those in the room, scared me. These guys were the hardy, nonchalant daredevils. Fear seeped into me like a cold, light cape. I chewed on the side of my thumb .
” There is a kind of instability, a unknowing that shifts the community, even those that aren’t hurt.” I looked down at my thumb and shook my hand out. Marie kept make notes and not saying a word . She hadn’t all afternoon, I realized. I felt confused, well, fine, helpless and unsafe? Fear seeps in and doesn’t leave – until?

Sudden Warning

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Sipping my tea, I pulled my blanket over my lap and tucked it around my knees, drawing my knees up with my interlaced fingers.
” We were talking about the farms, the towns and the problems people were having now. Then someone said that the places needed more security, the usual cooperation discussion went on. One of the senior scholars started talking about how the issues were SO critical and began sounding so scared. Ginger, all of a sudden, threw a yarn ball towards Pink and hit her. “
Marie stopped writing and glared. “What ?”
“She didn’t mean to, she apologized. She just wanted to hear from someone’s new. She did it so quickly, But” I leaned forward ,” it was somehow different. Frantic, fast ” I steepled my fingers. Marie looked puzzled, and made a scribble on the desk pad underneath her cup.
” But that is just it. The tension tightened. The words took on a submerged anger. Pink wasn’t hit that hard. Ginger was 4-5 ft away, it was a yarn ball.” I tossed an air ball.
” Pink reacted as if the governor had ordered her to leave. The people sitting around weren’t angry, they weren’t standing or yelling in her defense. They were staring at him.” I chewed on my lip. “That is when Ginger threw the yarn ball from her bag, that is when I looked around. They were in fear. Nothing was said but all eyes were hooded, guarded, hesitant .” Scratching my forehead,I brushed hair out of my eyes. “The senior scholar, the black gentleman, was warning, saying that what he had heard was bad, serious, unknown. At the point, when he was sounding scared? He and the other senior were talking together, whispering . “
I reached over and poured myself some tea. Marie leaned back, sipping on her tea cup, watching me.

Bruises fade?

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Pink stance drooped and shook her hands which had balled up . ” That is the important question! ” She tucked her head and snuggled back into the group of white haired girls , who moved in closer and protected her . Ginger stood up and reached for a piece of fruit, absentmindedly .
She seemed to have grown old. Her hair had fallen around her pale face. Her forehead was creased deeper than when we had stayed up most of the night, finishing our project several days ago .
She toss the fruit in the air and gasp when the fruit slipped through her fingers and caught on the edge of the table before hitting the floor. Her hands were shoved into the front of her tunic. . ‘ I hadn’t even notice the very large,deep pouch at waist level and going down to the thigh length edge of the tunic? ‘ Such a deep teal color, it looked really good on her.’ I noted to myself. I hunched forward like I was watching– a play, in a close dinner theater . ( only it wasn’t a play and I wasn’t leaving here and driving home.) Sam leaned forward and cocked an eyebrow at me. I quit smiling and leaned back into the cushions.

” I am hurt by my actions in hurting you. It WAS NOT PLANNED. I didn’t – I wasn’t trying to hurt you . My emotions were strong and I wasn’t concentrating on what I should have been. ” Ginger held up her cupped hands, with the ball of yarn . ” The ball was a means of making warmth for cold times, to help others who you want to help. It is not for creating more bruises.” Ginger held out her hands and hugged Pink , trying to keep her balance and not step on girls’ toes.
She nodded at the white haired girls seated there in their green dyed leather pants and jackets. The smiles were small and the eyes were a buttery warmth with broccoli green hues .

    Bruises

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    Photo by Ike louie Natividad on Pexels.com

    Ginger pulled the ball up from under the edge of the couch and threw it across , hitting the pink haired gypsy girl. Pink startled and tears gathered.
    “I am – I didn’t meant to throw it so hard. I sorry!. ” Sam frowned as did the Parliamentarian . ” I was just trying to hear from someone new!”
    The girls who were sitting on the arms of the far couch reached over and patted her . The black gentleman went over -stepping across legs and brushing Pink’s hair, he checked her cheek. ” This is NOT the place in which to invite steam in. Burns are hard to heal. ” He rubbed her chin. ” Actions are hard and words keep living all around us.”
    Pink rolled the ball in her hands. She frowned and glanced at all the staring , confused faces. Rubbing her ear, she darted a look at Ginger and at the people behind her. She stood, her forehead all crinkled and her face pale, bruises fading in several spots on her face and neck.
    ” We have survived and are doing well ,at last but there are others who want to submerged us and control – ” she drew up her shoulders and then dropped them as she squared her head. She met Tom’s, Sam’s and Ginger’s eyes.
    ” I am not from here, I was NOT INVITED! ” She moisturized her lips and looked at Diamond ” I know nothing about the issues you talk and talk and dislike. I am a Tag!” She rubbed the tight ball of yarn and teared up. ” All this talk! all the pushing and pretending ! ” She faced Diamond. ” All your complaints and disagreements. -” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. ” All the yelling about OTHERS – It’s just heading for the destruction again ! “I was a child , BUT I REMEMBER! ” She skidded the ball across the table at Sam.
    She looked at him ” Who brings weapons to a place where middle Hope is? ” She picked up and held her cup against her reddened cheek, bit her lip and shivered.

    Time and again

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    The black gentleman sank his head to his knees, a squeak sounding like the whine of a weapon before it explodes emitted. His voice was the closest to a cry of pain I have ever heard.
    “We KNOW HOW THIS ENDS! We all know what will happen again, and again, and again. The arguments, the accusations and THE ATTACKS. ” There will be comments, statements, JUDGEMENTS! from ALL SIDES. !!” he slammed his fists on the table edge, looking up , his voice rose into a cat howl. AT THIS POINT, HE WAS YELLING, he remembered the smoke in the streets, the uniforms and the looks that he got for following her parents.. He had thought there was NO WAY that the mistrust and spike in silence or in yelling and proceeding with the screaming and accompanied paperwork could happen again. THAT was just a one time thing ! Wasn’t it?

    There were glances, stiffened backs and people leaning forward rubbing shoulders. Diamond guy huffed and his eyes were glistening with tears. “This is what happens when the over others are more interested in themselves. We have to — ” He paused and looking around frowned. ” They HAVE TO — ? I mean- calm everything down. ” He drank a swig from a tall, curvy, blue pegged bottle, while he looked at everyone gathered in the area and the people gathering down the next level.


    Gingered Knowledge

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    Ginger clasped the black gentleman’s hand as she rose from the couch.
    She tilted her head and pondered the young man. ” Scotty, I have visited your processes a couple of weeks ago. Mr. Joffrey took a group out to see. The place is clean, pure and simple. It is enchanting and not believable unless one sees in person.”
    Ginger smiled and her face was warm and happy. I don’t think I have seen her so happy. With her hand protecting the back of her neck, She unzipped her overvest, partway. She sat down, sternly looking at the black gentleman. He was staring down at the carpet, near my blue canvas tote bag. He nudged it and it nudged back, sliding towards gravity and the edge of my heel.
    Ginger stood up and easily matched the young Scot in presence . ” You were invited because you are within the roadways. ” She arched her eyebrow and pulled her long warm hair into one hand . Her hair much thicker and longer, she held it off to one side.
    ” There are several groups and villages who are rumored to be planning campaigns and rounds to protect and procureate their resources. Securing their harvest seems to require a lot of boxes and explosions in the off times. Have you heard of the Blue Circles?”

    The young Scot’s face looked like an enraged bird of prey landing for a kill. I scooted backward, seeing as I was on the floor underneath them. I slid up on the couch with Diamond’s girls and pulled up my feet. Sam reached over and pulled the bowl of fruit and the bag over to them and off the table. The table had been shifted away from the pair, by the two of them . ” My name is Eochan Thomas Silvar. ” He cleared his throat and hiccuped. “Confederation of Blue Circles? Why would we join an undisciplined and envious military play group? ” I wasn’t sure what he meant but the men behind us in the hall, laughed and continued walking away, very quickly.

    Who possesses Hope?

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    A young man in a blue tartan flannel shirt, a yellow tie and a long robe stood up from one of the back benches. The robe was red with tiny, yellow horses worked into the design . The young man squeezed between the couches . He was a muscular, bearded man with broad girth and a wide nose. The brown eyes were deep pools and his yellow hair was falling down his forehead . He blew it away from his eyes. He picked up Sam’s fuzzy ball, squeezed it and pounced, so much, everyone drew back and some pulled their feet under them . The Scot, I suppose, was not fearful or nor hesitant.
    ” Our FIRST tall harvest, which we have culled and cared for years. People telling us we were wrong and should just not try. ” He ran his hair back and pinned it with his multicolored cap. His voice accusing everyone as he twisted and turned including all the people here.
    ” We figured out how to grow and clean up and how to save our own. WE DID, when nobody,” — he paused and nodded to Ginger.” ALMOST nobody gave us any chance! ” He tossed the string in its tangled mess and caught it like pizza dough. ” Then you people show up and demand that we give you parts!!”
    He glared at Sam and Diamond, his muscles were so tight that I could see the tendons in his face. He stared at the Black Gentleman, turning his back on the larger audience. “You marched and demanded to see the Cite. Of course, we are protective, we have had it with the hand-outs and the making leftovers work. ” He was winding the yarn in a unstructured way, while his voice filled the halls. The yarn began to appear similar to a bird nest. “We did something that nobody could do.”
    He turned and glanced down at me. His frown deepening and the ball yarn irritating my nose. I brush it aside and glared back. ” Now, you wanted us here to talk about joint issues and protections.” He stopped , grasping the ball , fingers wound through the mess. He nodded his head . ” Very sound. . We need supplies and merchanters ”
    He had been winding the yarn ball without looking at it. Many people seemed intent on watching, barely breathing, It was tight and loose, at the same time, almost as if the yarn was obeying his fingers. ” I haven’t heard a block or support about anything worthwhile. Just usual lies!. ”
    At least I think that is what he is saying. I couldn’t make out what he warns or means?’ I thought, ‘his voice was so fierce, almost malevolent.’
    The Black gentleman looked at him. ” A lot of research was done for you. We haven’t threatened your people. You could – ” He paused as the Scot looked down at him. Sam started to speak, but a frown from the black gentleman caused Sam to sink back into the loveseat, holding Sherriel’s hand.

    Past troubles?

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    “There have been heartaches. There are places where we believed we were trapped and forced to endure because the systems were crumbling”. The black gentleman’s eyes glazed over. The pain in his eyes I had seen on too many people in the hallways here.
    ” What could happen to engrave that deep pain in so many different people ?” I thought again. Nobody could explain it and I couldn’t go with that. Science didn’t allow for such questions to exist without being challenged, as my Dad would preach to many of his students.
    From the edge of the small loveseat, Sam started talking , fingering the string that was dangling from a hand . The black gentleman handed the string ball to him. Sam had been quiet and I thought he was studying, vaguely listening to the discussion around him. He often did that. Now he leaned forward and stared at the people across on the other couch.
    ” We have been doing this for years. Your town doesn’t like strangers , mine doesn’t like it either . ” His chin raised up and stated his facts. I knew that stance and leaned back.
    “None of us want strange people coming in and telling us what to do!” Sam pointed the string ball to everyone . A group standing in the hallway stopped and stared. The ball seemed to tease them. A few walked forward and leaned on the backs of the chairs. ” We think we know all. We figured out a lot of orders for ourselves. BUT”—-
    He tossed to ball in the air, causing the string to unravel and fall on the heads of the girls sitting with Ginger. He grinned and handed the ball to the nearest girl.
    ” But there are plenty of people in all of our places that disagree with different ideas! People who will yell to all that only your group or my group is solely “– Sam drew in a breath and let in out slow and easy. ” heaven sent with no forthcomings or judgements needed. The people who will condemn anyone who don’t buckle before THEIR speaker. ” He looked around and smiled, but it was that haunted smile that paired with the pain in the eyes.
    “We have more problems and yes, more workable ideas, this year than any in many a day.” Two of the grey suited with their long tunics and their sashes tight across their middle, rolled their eyes and left.
    ” The trouble is starting up. There were attacks on a number of lands, recently. The agreements are not being done . ” Ginger’s friend yelled out.
    Sam raised both his hands up “We all NEED HELP, AND trade or just” his eyes now gleaming , ” new people with new tiers and books to mix up. New ways to fix illness or repair damages with new material? We can’t quit, not when we are seeing hope and good stuff coming .” Sam sounded more pleading and desperate than when he wanted help studying for the medicinal tests. Silly comparison. I thought . What was happening, now? I was wondering and uncertain again.

    Waves

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    I glanced and felt the anger, resentment, the suspicions rising and the change in this “study group” . I had been around them, I had lunch and classes with many of them. Sam, Sherriel, Ginger are my friends, I liked them and they liked me. But this?!
    I caught the Parliamentarian picking up the paper ball from the floor and shoving it into his pocket. The pain was engraved in his expression as he watched the dissolution of order. He walked away like an old seaman who was worn and tired from too many times on unstable decks.
    ” I don’t get it! Maybe because I am new and from the fringe.”
    I frowned and was soaked in the fear, resentment and confusion. I was so far on the outside.( although Joy told me I was too far IN the padding). I looked around at the people packing up and Diamond trying to disappear into the folds of the couch.
    ” What is going on? Not just in the History study discussion group.! BUT HERE FOR DAYS.” I asked The black gentleman, Diamond and turning asked Sam, Sam was looking down the hallway. ” I CAN’T SEE WHAT THE –?” I couldn’t even figure out WHAT to call IT. My exasperation showed as I raised up on the stool beside the couch, so I could see the people walking behind me.
    The black gentleman sat down and leaned forward, his elbows digging into the top of his knees. He still looked morose and his voice was husky. People sat down and settled in close to each other , to listen .
    ” Recent –history is here – its effect is showing through all of us, even if we don’t see it. We have pain, anger, resentment, frustration and possessiveness. When it becomes my village’s freedom to choose and your villages’ freedoms, everything becomes suspicious and questionable. Protection and fear overshadowing all the NEEDS . We don’t even talk or research in joint ways. The Government.” He glanced over at Diamond ” Governments’ officers can’t or won’t talk to people . They try-”
    Diamond piped in to interrupt, his voice squeaking . ” too selfish, too dark, too concerned with making work for itself! The merchants charge anything and leave us all hanging and in need. None of us have enough to pay them!” His knees bouncing, casting lights that wriggle over the tabletop. One of the girls whispered in his ear and gave him a smile and a peck. He smirked and leaned back, tossing a wadded up ball of string?
    The black gentlemen chuckled and caught the string ball.

    nothing worst than waiting

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    The black gentleman put his hand on Ginger’s arm. She closed her eyes , opening them . He was staring at her with his eyes watering. He blinked.
    ” We are waiting, not for long. It has been a hard road.” He whispered. She glanced down at the table with the bowl of brightly colored round spots.

    ” Come on, ” Trevor said and jostled the black gentleman. ” They re not worth it.” She stood in front and shook her head purposely.
    ” We can get no where and problems rebound if we talk past each other. ”
    Oliver, the stouter of the two, towered over her. ” Reserves are NOT rebounding. ”
    One of the students from behind the couch sneered. ” let them go , they don’t want to change.” Another grabbed Olivers’ coat and twisted him around. ” Yes, they are!! They are sprouting and the water is clearer. We are–” ” Yesta, Darn! But there IS NO PROOF!! of anything believable!. Has there been any farm shows? any Orchard trains.? This is just a power grab and lies!!” Trevor jerked Oliver away.
    Ginger’s shoulders sank . She licked her dark, tan chapped lips . Looking over all the people and the threatening faces , tightening grasps and shoulders framing their ears, she stated.
    ” I know everything has been tight. I know that some villages have more of — things than others. She frowned and looked straight ahead at the bowl of plum apples and orange tinted bananas. There was the proof, the brightly colored and plentiful spots. Still, there were not enough for everyone here. She would just wait. How long would everyone wait?